Not Disordered

Sometimes, it's really hard to say how important to me (or unimportant) this whole weight thing is. There are days when it feels like the most urgent thing EVER (like, when my pants are too tight, or I come across someone who has not seen me since I regained the weight, or when I just don't FEEL well because of obesity) and there are days when it is not even on the radar (like when I am just having a great day, feeling good and happy and like there is nothing at all negative in my life). Really there are days it doesn't cross my mind because I am busy living life and the fat just is what it is, I am the size I am, and it becomes a non-issue.

I guess it shouldn't be that way. At least, I kind of feel guilty about it when I stop and think about it. Like... I had some great, but busy days this week and it did not cross my mind at all to feel bad about my weight (which may be good) but it also did not cross my mind to make an effort to do anything about it (which is not so good, unless I want to stay 245 pounds). It's kind of what I wanted: for food and diet to fade back into the background of life... to feel completely UN-obsessed with food. It's a healthy mindset from a recovered eating disorder point of view; the "binge monster" and obsessive food thoughts went right back into hibernation when I stopped weighing, measuring, and tracking all my food and calories. That's good, right? I don't feel disordered. I feel pretty normal in the food thought department.

But does feeling "normal" and un-obsessed about food preclude weight loss? Do you HAVE to have a food-centric existence to get the weight off? Is it possible to lose 70 or 80 pounds without a razor sharp focus on diet and exercise... without making The Diet the main focus of your existence? I dunno. When I lost large chunks of weight on Medifast, I had to "drink the Kool Aid" and live, eat, and breathe the Medifast lifestyle. That *did* result in the food obsession going away.... mainly because all the choices were made (packets instead of food) and food became an inconvenience more than anything. I mean, really, any plan that has you measuring spices like pepper and oregano and has you eating on an exact schedule from a very limited menu requires you to truly buy in to their doctrine... like a religion. Calorie counting, not so much, but it also requires a lot of attention to food. I really would like to get the weight off without thinking about it so much. Is that too much to ask?

This week I have gone back to eating basically whatever healthy choices I prefer. I find my body does tell me if I need protein, or carbs, or fat if I listen. When I get hungry, if I pay attention I can feel what I am hungry for. I still sometimes want junk, but I just don't keep it in the house so if I really, REALLY want it I have to go get it. And then I get one portion. Mentally this feels healthy to me. And my weight has stopped going up. But I am not losing.

Am I just too happy and content with my life? Maybe I need to be more miserable. I admit I am scared that a health crisis is what will give me that huge shove to DO something about my weight. But then I think... I AM doing something. More protein and produce, less carbs and junk. And it is benefiting my health. My joints don't ache like they used to. The tendinitis is gone. I sleep better and don't have reflux when I am eating well. My A1C is good and my blood pressure is great with 1/4 the medication dose that I was taking in the past. But what I am doing is not enough for weight loss.

Well, enough of that for now. Time to get back to living life.






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