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The word “resolve” means: decide firmly on a course of action. Most people make New Year resolutions, set goals, and decide firmly on a course of action to keep the resolution or achieve the goal. However, almost everyone sets a goal to have or do something that is physical and outside of themselves. Most people set their focus on the wrong thing. Most people think they want money, health, or relationships, but that’s not what they really want. What we really want is the feeling that having those things will produce. What we really want in any given moment is to feel good. Let’s let feeling good be our goal. Let us resolve, every day, to feel good! Listen as I explain:
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Many people make New Year’s resolutions, and many people get frustrated and abandon their New Year’s resolutions.
A common mistake? Setting up the resolution in the wrong way. We think we “should be able to” do it first thing in the morning, or we think we should imitate a resolution that works well for someone else.
But there’s no one, correct way. It’s just whatever works for us.
I know this, because I used to try to indulge moderately in sweets — but I’m an Abstainer. And I used to try to do difficult writing in the afternoon — but I’m a Lark. And I use to hold myself back from buying too much at one time — but I’m an Under-buyer. Etc. Now that I set up resolutions to suit my nature, I succeed much more often.
As you set up your resolutions, be sure to consider these distinctions, as outlined in the “Strategy of Distinctions” in my book Better Than Before, which is all about the multiple strategies we can exploit to change our habits.
Before you decide on the resolution you’ll make, consider…
–are you a Marathoner or Sprinter?
–are you a Simplcity-lover or Abundance-lover?
–are you a Finisher or Opener?
–are you an Abstainer or Moderator?
-are you an Under-buyer or Over-buyer?
As you’re thinking about these distinctions, it can be helpful to ask, “When have I succeeded with this resolution in the past?” If there was a time when you exercised regularly, cooked frequently, got enough sleep, etc., that might hold clues for how you might be able to do a better job in the present.
When we know ourselves, we can set up a resolution in the way that’s right for us. It’s not that hard to keep our resolutions, and to change our habits — when we know what to do.
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Today we are going to discuss an uncomfortable topic that very much needs to be talked about. We are going to talk about self-harm, cutting specifically. This topic was suggested to me by a 17-year-old girl who listens to the show and asked me to talk about it since this is an issue with which she struggles. First, I’m so thankful for her bravery to reach out to me and her willingness to answer some very specific questions I had about cutting and why she does it. My hope is that, by listening to this episode, you will find comfort if this is something you deal with, or it will bring a greater awareness to you so that you’ll notice the signs that someone you love is struggling with this issue. Listen as I explain:
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The new year is here, and for many of us, that means new year’s resolutions. And many of us make resolutions related to our work lives.
Now Questioners, I know you object to the arbitrariness of the January 1 date; Obligers, I know you may have given up making resolutions because you’ve struggled in the past; and Rebels, I know you may not want to bind yourself in advance. But some people do want to make resolutions. (Don’t know where you fit in the “Four Tendencies” framework, i.e., if you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel? Look here.)
For instance, some common work-related resolutions include “I want to broaden my horizons,” “I want to do a better job with record-keeping,” “I want to network,” “I want to find a mentor,” and “I want to expand my skills.”
One key to consistent progress is to make a behavior into a habit. Habits are freeing and energizing, because they save us from the difficult, draining business of making decisions and exercising our self-control.
Habits matter, because research shows that about 40% of everyday life is shaped by habits. If we have habits that work for us, we’re far more likely to be happier, healthier, and more productive.
In my book Better Than Before, I discuss the twenty-one different strategies that we can use to make or break our habits. I know, twenty-one sounds like a lot to manage — but it’s helpful that there are so many, because some of these strategies work for some people, and not others. But we all have a big menu from which to pick.
So how might you make a habit of actions that will help you succeed at work? Consider these strategies:
Resolutions like “network more” or “research new opportunities” are too vague. Put your resolution into the form of a concrete, measurable, manageable action, such as “Every month, go to at least two events with networking opportunities” or “Spend one hour every Friday afternoon updating my time sheets and expenses.” Being specific helps you figure out what to do, and it also makes it possible to…
Monitoring is almost uncanny in its power. Research shows that simply by monitoring a behavior, we tend to do a much better job of it, whether that’s how fast we’re driving, how much we’re eating, how many cold calls we’re making, or how many instructional videos we’re watching. Keep track, and you’ll push yourself in the right direction.
Something like “Research that company this week” is a goal that can keep getting pushed to the bottom of the to-do list. Even if it’s important, it’s just not urgent. So schedule a specific time for research, for learning, for following up, and give it a slot on your calendar. But it’s crucial to remember that…
When you schedule time to do certain work, you should do that work, and nothing else. No filing, no cleaning, no research, no checking emails. Do that work, or stare at the ceiling. Otherwise, you may work and work and work, and never get around to doing the very thing you set out to do.
In the rigors of everyday life, it can be hard to step back and see what matters most. Where do you want to be in two years? How could you develop your skills to make your work more interesting and yourself more valuable? Some people prefer to do this kind of thinking alone, with just a pad of paper; others prefer to talk it out, with a few trusted co-workers or an old friend; others might hire a coach. Or…
Sometimes people get overwhelmed when they try to make grand plans or ask huge questions; it’s also useful to focus on small, manageable steps that you can incorporate into your life immediately.
Envy is an uncomfortable emotion, but it’s instructive. If you envy someone, that person has something you wish you had. Do you envy your friend who gets to travel all the time—or the friend who never has to travel? Do you envy your co-worker who’s taking night class toward getting an MBA, or who gets to make lots of presentations? Envy can help show us how we want to grow and change.
Studies show that we tend to pick up habits from the people around us, so choose your company wisely. If you know that some of your co-workers cultivate habits that help them succeed at work, go out of your way to spend time with them, and you’ll more easily pick up those habits, yourself.
If you’re an Obliger — that is, if you readily meet other people’s expectations, but struggle to meet your expectations for yourself — the answer, the solution, the key element is external accountability. Rebels, on the other hand, often do worse when they’re being held accountable. Figure out your Tendency and plug in accountability as necessary.
The most important thing to remember about habit change? We must shape our habits to suit ourselves—our own nature, our own interests, our own strengths. When we understand ourselves, we can apply the twenty-one strategies with the greatest success, and we can also help other people to change their habits.
It’s not hard to change your habits, when you know what to do. And it matters. When we change our habits, we change our lives.
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It’s time for the next installment of Happier with Gretchen Rubin.
We’re coming up on our Very VERY Special Episode — Episode 100! Hard to believe. For this episode, send us questions about anything, whether related to happiness or not. For instance, if you’ve wondered, “Why don’t Gretchen and Elizabeth ever have their parents come onto the show?” or “What was the brand of Gretchen’s hard-boiled egg-maker?” you can ask! (KRUPS, by the way.) Email us or call us at 774-277-9336.
To start the new year in a happier way, we’re doing a fun project on Instagram. Every day, for the month of January, Elizabeth and I will post a photo on Instagram of something that makes us happier (by giving us a boost, helping us stick to good habits, reminding us to feel grateful, etc.). Join in! Use the hashtag #Happier2017 and tag us — I’m @gretchenrubin and Elizabeth is @lizcraft.
Try This at Home: Start your own happiness project. I wrote about my own “happiness project” in my book, The Happiness Project.
My Twelve Personal Commandments are here.
Email me if you want to see my happiness-project chart. If you want to take a look at the The Happiness Project One-Sentence Journal: A Five Year Record, it’s here.
If you’re curious to see Eliza’s Squarespace site for her podcast Eliza Starting at 16, it’s here.
Happiness Hack: Jane says, “To deal with unloading the dryer, I tell myself I only have to fold five items. That gets me started.”
Deep Dive: How to survive a break-up. Our fellow podcaster, Andrea Silenzi of the great podcast Why Oh Why, is dealing with a break-up. We talked about it first in episode 93, and Andrea came onto the show to give us an update.
Demerit: Elizabeth gives herself a demerit for wearing sweatpants every day.
Gold Star: Our mother decorates beautifully for Christmas. It’s a lot of work, but it adds so much to the holiday, because it’s so festive.
Don’t forget: Elizabeth’s young-adult book Flower is ready for pre-order!
If you want easy instructions about how to rate or review the podcast, look here.
Remember, I’m doing weekly live videos on my Facebook Page to continue the conversation from the podcast — usually on Tuesdays at 3:00 pm ET. To join the conversation, check the schedule.
Check out Squarespace. Start building your website and get your free trial today. Go to Squarespace.com, and enter the offer code “happier” to get 10% off your first purchase.
Also check out Casper, the online retailer of premium mattresses. Pay a fraction of what you’d pay in the store, get free delivery, and returns within a 100 day period. Go to Casper.com and get $50 off a mattress purchase by using the promo code happier.
To sign up for my free monthly newsletter, text me at 66866 and enter the word (surprise) “happier.“ Or click here.
If you enjoyed the podcast, please tell your friends and give us a rating or review. Click here to tell your friends on Twitter.
Listeners really respect the views of other listeners, so your response helps people find good material. (Not sure how to review? Instructions here; scroll to the bottom.)
If you’re like me (until recently) you’re intrigued by podcasts, but you don’t know how to listen or subscribe. It’s very easy, really. Really. To listen to more than one episode, and to have it all in a handier way, on your phone or tablet, it’s better to subscribe. Really, it’s easy.
Want to know what to expect from other episodes of the podcast, when you listen to the award-winning “Happier with Gretchen Rubin?” We talk about how to build happier habits into everyday life, as we draw from cutting-edge science, ancient wisdom, lessons from pop culture—and our own experiences (and mistakes). We’re sisters, so we don’t let each other get away with much.
HAPPIER listening!
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“New Year’s eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights”
Hamilton Wright Mabie
This year is coming to an end. Just a couple more days to go.
But before we step through that doorway I’d like to quickly share one last article with 3 of my favorite questions of all time that can help you shape 2017 into 365 days that will be simpler, happier and self-kinder.
Stay safe, enjoy your New Year’s celebration and see you next year!
1. Is this useful?
It’s very easy to spend a lot of time on things that do not really matter much. To spend hours, days or even weeks on being angry at someone, replaying a mistake or failure in one’s mind or to dwell on something negative and feeling more and more like a victim.
So I try to ask myself this question as often as I can to question and confront my own thoughts. To catch myself and to wake myself up when I get stuck in negative thought loops going round and round.
By doing so I:
2. What is one very small step I can take right now to get the ball rolling?
This is my favorite question for when I want to get started with something or if I want to get going again with something that have fallen to the side for some reason.
Because it makes things easier. Makes them feel lighter.
This question prevents me from trying to escape into procrastination and helps me to avoid the side-effects of that such as sinking self-esteem and simply a lot of time being wasted on trying to hide.
3. Will this matter in 5 years? Or even 5 weeks?
This one helps me to simplify.
To let go.
To not make a mountain out of a molehill.
To find the healthier and happier perspective.
To not lose my focus and energy to crippling worries.
To find a lightness in life where I do not have to carry around 5 tons of unnecessary mental baggage.
It is a truly wonderful question.
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