July 1, 2017

So I started on Synthroid about a week and a half ago because of my high TSH levels. At first I felt better but now I am back to my baseline of really tired. No weight loss yet either: still 253 pounds. There is this dieting part of me that is stomping its foot and saying, this has got to stop! This is no way to live. I feel so fat and old and exhausted all the time and I have got to do something about it RIGHT NOW. And there is another part of me that is thinking, maybe this is what it's like to get older. Maybe I should just accept that I am going to be fat, and stop worrying about it and just be how I am. The two sides cannot agree on what I should feel, much less what I should do. I have been so preoccupied with my girl's health that for months I really did not think much about my own. Now I have a little more slack and time and I am starting to do the same old thing, arguing in my head between being disappointed in myself, accepting myself, hating being so fat, and loving myself no matter what. I wonder if there is even a possibility anymore of reaching some kind of "normal" (healthy) weight... or have I used up all my diet tries already? Should it even matter to me? Should I shut up, close the blog and just forget about weight? I weigh about what my mother weighed in her adulthood... maybe it is just how it is meant to be. I tell myself I can be a good mom, a good grandma, a happy person, a friend and a success at ANY weight... and then that other headvoice says "no you can't, you'll die sooner being this fat and you can't do half the stuff you want to do this fat. WHY DO YOU WANT TO STAY THIS FAT???"

I often wonder if there is one more good try in me to get the bulk of the weight off and keep it off for good. I kind of doubt it. How can I do all of that NOW when I am so tired and jaded, when it was already hard enough to do seven years ago when I was younger, less tired and actually BELIEVED with confidence that I could do it?

This is not meant to be a whinefest, but a sharing of the thought processes I am going through right now in regard to my weight. I get on the scale more often. I look at the 253 and think, hey, good! I am not gaining. And then I think, oh my gosh, how insensitive to the numbers have I become that weighing 253 is all right???? And I feel a little horrified for a minute.

One thing I do know, is that if I am going to lose weight, I have to do it soon because once I hit menopause it is going to be nearly impossible... and, if I am going to lose weight it is going to be much harder *right now* than it was in 2007 when I was ten years younger, and more work than it was in 2010 on Medifast when I started at a lower weight and had more energy. Those two times losing large sums of weight were HARD and took a lot of dedication, focus, time, work, self control and exercise... and it will be harder now. That's if I even decide to start. And part of me knows I have to start, and it has to be the last start.






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