Too Fat

I guess it's time for an update. And maybe a little self examination, because while I feel like I have done pretty well getting my food issues under control, all is not well in LynLand.

I lost 7 pounds in January and nothing so far in February. Today I weigh 253, same as I did on February 1. Part of me is starting to panic a little about this; I looked at the calendar this morning and thought, "okay, I have THREE days left until March 1. Surely I can knuckle down and cut carbs more and do some more exercise and get at least a couple of pounds off by then." Somehow, part of me still feels ashamed that I am still so fat. That I did not lose any weight this month. Even though I have found peace about food, my weight still bothers me. I have spent the last year (or so) lowering my stress level around all the weight stuff: food, tracking, calories, junk food, body image, the number on the scale. But what remains is the realty that I AM TOO FAT.

I am too fat for most of my clothing.
I am too fat for my circulatory system. My blood pressure is higher than it was 25 pounds ago.
I am too fat for my knees. They hurt when I walk.
I am too fat for pictures. Once again I find myself avoiding being in photos because I think I look awful, and unhealthy.
I am too fat for my comfort. It is hard to get up and down, I have acid reflux again at night, and my body is just too hard to haul around all the time.
I am too fat, and that makes me sad.

So much of the time I look around and feel thankful for all I have, my kids, my life. I don't want to be a negative Nelly or a complainer. But I also don't look at my body and think it is fine just the way it is. Maybe it is, on a "don't judge", self acceptance, love yourself kind of level. I mean there's no point in loathing myself or being down on how I look. My body has done a lot of great things for me. I love it. But it's too big to be truly healthy! And I haven't been acting like I love it... not really. Not all these years.

When I eat healthy foods it does feel like self care. I don't think I eat that much. But obviously it's too much, right? Or I wouldn't be this fat. Even if you want to put some blame on age, or hormones, or thyroid disease, or slow metabolism... I would NOT weigh 250+ pounds if I was really taking *good enough* care of my body.

Maybe I have been focused too much on my emotional well being (which yeah, it is important) and not on my body. I've said I was eating 90% healthy and maybe 10% carbier, sugary or junky stuff. But when I stopped and thought about that, there's an error in my thinking. It's not that 90% of the FOOD I eat is healthy and 10% is not. It's that 90% of the TIME I eat healthy. Like... there are about 90 meals in a month, right? So for about 9 or 10 of those meals I eat carby stuff. Maybe some pancakes with syrup, sausages and orange juice. Or a bacon cheeseburger with fries dipped in Ranch. Not overboard for a normal person... but HIGH in carbs, fat, and sugar. Same for snacks. Say there are 60 snacks in a month. Then 6 or 7 of those would be carbier. Like maybe popcorn at the movies, or a few cookies and regular hot cocoa, or a bowl of chips and dip. The calories, carbs, sugar and fat in those meals and snacks is SO MUCH higher than the nutrition in a regular meal or snack! So much higher. Like a 50 calorie handful of baby carrots versus a 200 calorie bowl of corn chips and guac. But eating those foods in "normal" portions is what helps me NEVER to feel restricted... because although 9 out of 10 times on "spaghetti night" I go with spaghetti squash, every once in awhile, if I really want it, I have the actual pasta... AND a piece or two of garlic bread. And it is so much easier to eat and be satisfied with small amounts of something like the spaghetti squash, but when I have pasta I want to eat a lot more. More calories, carbs, and fat.

The whole thing sucks because I felt like I have finally found peace with food by eating this way, and I DO NOT want to wreck it. But I am too fat! I am too fat. :(






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