What to say

My heart is not in blogging right now, but with those asking if I am okay and for an update, I decided to write something today. Am I okay? No, not really. Actually not at all okay, but what can I say about it? I decided years ago not to write about my family members' stuff, out of respect for their privacy. I wish I could. I would love to ramble on and give a lot of details about what we have been going through and share my emotions about all of it. It would probably be therapeutic. But I can't, because I don't want anyone coming back later and being upset that I wrote personal details about them. So without the benefit of being able to vent, there is no reason for me to write here at all. So I haven't.

But I do appreciate the concern and the support I have always gotten here so I wanted to say something. But what? Well myself, I am just finishing up a couple weeks of antibiotics from being sick. I feel like crap and am not getting enough sleep. My husband is having health issues that are affecting all of us. But the thing I am drowning in is that my daughter was given a pretty devastating diagnosis. Her deterioration has been life altering. We have spent a lot of time seeing doctors, therapists and specialists and travelling to the hospital hours away. I have been working on getting second opinions. We went to the hospital a few weeks ago, we are going again in a week, and again in one month or sooner. She is in daily pain and can no longer dance or go to school. As much as I would like to say more, I won't, and I ask you to respect that. I am just sharing this bit so you can see how it is affecting our lives. I love her so much and if only I could take away her pain, I would.

I am very emotional inside because I stay strong on the outside because I have to. It seems SO stupid to me to say *anything* about food or dieting at a time like this, but that's what the blog is about so, the update is that I have started stress eating and feel like I am kind of losing it. I eat food as a way to cope, or quell anxiety, worry, stress. I know I have started doing it. I cram food into my mouth because if I don't I will fall apart. I feel the tears and fear and scared emotions welling up and about to spill out (which I just cannot do... I have to take care of everything and can't be breaking down) so I hurry and shove some food in there to smash those emotions back down.

I need a better way to cope but right now this has to do. After next week we will know more about the course of action and what the next few months holds. Depending on that, maybe I can find a different way to deal. I am too high stress right now to make any effort in the food or diet direction.

Hug your kids. Just go hug them or whoever you love.





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