Evolution of Desires

I didn't do a weigh in post yesterday. Even though I am doing this "no more restricting, no more white knuckling, no more forcing myself" thing and I don't have a set weigh in day or any set blogging schedule, it still crosses my mind to weigh in on Sunday. It was a habit for so long, and I don't mind doing it even now. I just don't do it out of obligation. Anyway, the scale is steady at 250 and I am fine with that.

What I have wanted... what I desire... has been beginning to evolve ever so slowly. When I first threw all the dieting and "shoulds" and weight loss goals aside, I desired to eat many things I had not let myself enjoy for a long time. Years, even. I decided that if I wanted to eat something then I would eat it. I would not *binge*... and have no desire to. But I just eat. No good or bad morality associated with any food. A piece of cake is no less righteous than a bowl of steamed broccoli. I just let all the emotions that swirled around food calm down. I let the desires be fulfilled. And because of that, I feel, those desires are free to evolve.

Do I eat sugar? Yes. Because I like it and I wanted to have it. But I have noticed something this week. I have noticed that my desire for sugary things is changing. It is not changing because I think sugar is bad or because I "should" avoid sugar or because I want to lose weight. It is changing... get this... because my joints hurt. LOL. That's a funny thing to say, right? Because for YEARS I have known and shared that when I eat sugar, my joints hurt. This is nothing new! They hurt anytime I eat sugar but a lot of the time, that has not deterred me. I wanted it, so I'd eat it and suffer the consequences. And if I tried to reason with myself and make a rule that I would avoid sugar, I'd still want it. But strangely enough, now that ALL the disordered thoughts are gone, I am losing my taste for sugar. Funny thing, suddenly sugar tastes like pain. So it's not so tasty looking anymore.

This is how I'd hoped my eating would evolve: I would truly WANT to eat in a beneficial way, NOT for weight loss or because I *should* but because that is what I actually desire. This is just the first sign of that evolution, and I am feeling very content about that.







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